A reminder -- Part 1 dealt with divorce in
first-century Judaism
And… another lengthy post to wrap up a complicated
"life" topic. Thoughts from a dear friend, Shan Watkins, are included.
She went through a divorce which was very difficult but is now happily married.
Thorns were with the rose though.
As I mentioned last week, I'm
a product of divorce. My dad has been married twice -- the second being my
mother, and they celebrated their 63rd wedding anniversary this past March. I
guess my sister and I should count our blessings for our dad's remarriage.
But it's more than that…down
my dad's line. Divorced: my grandfather (once, never remarried), my grandmother
(lost count, could have been six), my great-aunt (twice, didn't go for a third
try). Most recently, my sister became a divorcee and has remarried.
Divorce made a significant
impact on me, although it wasn't a topic of open conversation in my family. In my
early teens, I remember my fundamentalist grandmother, who I called Mom, being
in a marriage that lasted in the blink of an eye. When I was 18, she remarried
an older gentleman who I found endearing. In a matter of months though, she
told me that she would be divorcing him. I won't go into her reasons for the divorce
but none made sense to me. It was as if marriage was a joke to her, and it
placed a HUGE wedge between us… a wedge so deep and so wide that I avoided her
for 10 years after.
Fortunately, when moving
to LA at that 10-year mark, Mom and I were able to mend fences as she lived
nearby. To get to the point of forgiving her was not easy, but by the sheer
grace of God (probably more like tug-a-war), I was able to do so. She came to
understand the hurt caused by her actions. I came to understand mine. Our
relationship was restored. That's not always the case when it comes to divorce.
I believe Jesus was on to
something in these 12 verses when he chided the Pharisees (those who were
committing the very act of divorce) and in teaching his disciples. He
emphasized marriage as being an important, sacred vow taken before God. To
break that "indivisible" union causes more damage than can ever
be imagined. It's not one life impacted by divorce; not two; it's numerous
lives.
Case in point, Shan shared
with me after her divorce, years later, the effects "live on in me, in my
children, in my entire family. Even though the gaping wounds have healed, there
are deep, ugly scars that can't be ignored."
My sister and I would
agree. Every one of us in our family has been affected by her divorce, and the
ripple effect constantly shifts from person to person.
But… surely these 12
verses in MARK are only applicable to first-century Judaism. Right? What would Jesus say to us now
as it relates to marriage and divorce?
In Shan's opinion, we as
Christians have grown so callous to divorce that we see it as hurtful but not
necessarily sinful. So why isn't divorce at the forefront for Christian thought
/ study and made a core issue?
When I picked up Adam
Hamilton's book Confronting the
Controversies -- divorce was nowhere to be found. Biblical perspectives
were focused on these issues: the separation of church and state, creation and
evolution in the public schools, the death penalty, euthanasia, prayer in
public schools, abortion, homosexuality. Divorce has seemingly become passé, an afterthought.
Some may say, "Oh,
Mark; you're letting your Southern, conservative roots show." I can hear
my sister laugh at the conservative
part.
Did You
Know…?
(1) In America, there's
one divorce every… 13 seconds. That's 6,646 divorces per day, and 46,523
divorces per week. The average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is
eight years. [i]
(2) The Barna Research
Group measured divorce statistics by religion. They found 29% of Baptists were
divorced (the highest for a religious group). Only 21% of atheists/agnostics were
divorced. Christians don't have the corner on successful marriages!
(3) In the U.S.:
* 41% of first marriages end in divorce;
* 60% of second marriages end in divorce;
* 73% of third marriages end in divorce. [ii]
"While conventional
wisdom says half of all marriages end in divorce, the real number is hard to
pin down -- some states don't collect data on divorce, and people who marry and
divorce a lot can skew the figures -- but many experts say a better estimate is
closer to 40%." [iii]
(4) 43% of children in
America today are raised without their fathers. 28% of children living with a
divorced parent are in a household with an income below the poverty line. [iv]
(5) Think it's just an
"American" situation? A 2011 Center
of Social Justice study showed 48% of children in the United Kingdom were
likely to see their parents split before they reached the age of 16. Ten years
prior,… the rate was 40%.
Frightening stats, huh?
With that in mind…
Let us be careful in
taking a revolutionary teaching by Jesus based in justice and equality (to what
was happening in the first century) and allowing it to become "a rule
dogmatically rooted in oppression" [v] for today.
Let's not overlook a key
element that Jesus was shaking up the Establishment. He was an advocate for the
rights of women. To say what he did to the Pharisees was jaw-dropping -- on
behalf of women. According to biblical scholar Walter Wink, Jesus violated the
mores of his time in every single encounter with women recorded in the
four Gospels.
This radical graciously
accepted a prostitute's anointing. Women joined his followers along the
journey, which you know created gossip. Jesus did miracles on behalf of women.
In John 4:1-27,
Jesus asked a Samaritan woman for help. The story reveals his knowledge of her
having been through husbands like pocket-change. Where was Jesus' judgment since
clearly she had done wrong? By the end, we know this woman led a spiritual
renewal.
Jesus' involvement with
women was a life-changer, a game-changer, a religion-changer, a
spiritual-changer.
Back then as in today,
people still use religion for their own desires, to protect their own selfish
interests, instead of putting the focus on God. People find ways to use the
Bible in a hurtful manner. That could even include staying in an abusive,
oppressive marriage because clergy or family or friends have evoked these
verses "literally" against divorce.
As Shan told me, which
members of the study group stated too, "There are a few marriages that I
personally thought were more tragic than divorce."
Would Jesus want us to
take every attempt to save the marriage? Absolutely. Divorce however should be
the last step. But it takes two people who are committed to honesty, facing the
truth about what part they play in conflict, to be willing to expand, grow,
change and work.
As Bev * (a widow) told
the study group, "In my 35-year marriage, we had our up's; we had our
down's. We had to work at it. Communication was key. And it takes two."
Shan agreed with Bev's
thoughts, but said she would "add respect as being more important than
love in a marriage." More important?!? That'll give you pause.
It goes in hand with what Leah
* responded with: "We've become a culture that romanticizes marriage -- Love conquers all. Popular culture
doesn't teach us about communication."
Sounds odd since we've
become a nation focused on communication with our smartphones, laptops, tablets,
social networking,…. To which Joe * replied, "Today's tools of
communication actually create isolation. It hasn't advanced the concept."
Patrick * reminded us about someone being dumped in a relationship via a text
message.
Jesus encourages us to be
in authentic relationships. Authentic with each other; authentic with
God. Are you centered on "you" or are you centered on "us"?
Have you searched your soul when conflict arises? Joe * reminded us of the
phrase, "If you want a better wife, be a better husband." To be a
better partner, one has to look within themselves to make the change.
In the 63 years of
marriage for my parents, there have been stormy times; they could've easily
thrown in the towel. Yet they didn't. There has been a lot of work done
together over 63 years. A lot of forgiveness. A lot of grace. A lot of love. A
lot of respect. But it also took two willing partners to do this.
When we enter into
marriage -- ''for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness
and in health,'' we are entering into God's kingdom as well as into the unknown
with each other. Unexpected surprises will surface. Guaranteed. They will
disrupt the romance. Issues along the way may arise, such as abuse, oppression,
adultery and other horrible instances which shake us to our core.
We trust ourselves
with our lives, but where is God? Are we actually trusting God with our lives? With our
flaws and all?
Marriage is a spiritual
unity. We must show compassion, acceptance, and provide an endless supply of
forgiveness before stepping away in a marriage.
None of us is perfect. Yet
none of us is a mistake. Each of us nevertheless will make mistakes along the
way. What did Jesus teach us? To forgive. To forgive them. To forgive ourselves.
He wants us to be whole. Whatever stands in the way, even if we choose to
divorce, we need to resolve those issues and conflicts so we can be healthy.
And authentic.
Shan found these words (in
the paragraph above) comforting while being something she needed the most. My
close, loving friend stated, "Forgiving myself is a daily struggle, but I
know I am more whole and definitely more authentic than ever before in my
life."
I believe Jesus would also
remind us, "Know God loves you no matter what. That I love you no matter
what. That you are loved no matter what."
Let us humbly accept God
as he is revealed in Jesus. Let us accept ourselves, flaws and all. Let us
accept ourselves as the person God has chosen to be his. Let us work on being
authentic.
NEXT
What makes you
"first" -- having it all?