Thursday, May 30, 2013

Cause to Pause -- Part 2




A reminder -- Part 1 dealt with divorce in first-century Judaism

And… another lengthy post to wrap up a complicated "life" topic. Thoughts from a dear friend, Shan Watkins, are included. She went through a divorce which was very difficult but is now happily married. Thorns were with the rose though.

As I mentioned last week, I'm a product of divorce. My dad has been married twice -- the second being my mother, and they celebrated their 63rd wedding anniversary this past March. I guess my sister and I should count our blessings for our dad's remarriage.

But it's more than that…down my dad's line. Divorced: my grandfather (once, never remarried), my grandmother (lost count, could have been six), my great-aunt (twice, didn't go for a third try). Most recently, my sister became a divorcee and has remarried.

Divorce made a significant impact on me, although it wasn't a topic of open conversation in my family. In my early teens, I remember my fundamentalist grandmother, who I called Mom, being in a marriage that lasted in the blink of an eye. When I was 18, she remarried an older gentleman who I found endearing. In a matter of months though, she told me that she would be divorcing him. I won't go into her reasons for the divorce but none made sense to me. It was as if marriage was a joke to her, and it placed a HUGE wedge between us… a wedge so deep and so wide that I avoided her for 10 years after.

Fortunately, when moving to LA at that 10-year mark, Mom and I were able to mend fences as she lived nearby. To get to the point of forgiving her was not easy, but by the sheer grace of God (probably more like tug-a-war), I was able to do so. She came to understand the hurt caused by her actions. I came to understand mine. Our relationship was restored. That's not always the case when it comes to divorce.

I believe Jesus was on to something in these 12 verses when he chided the Pharisees (those who were committing the very act of divorce) and in teaching his disciples. He emphasized marriage as being an important, sacred vow taken before God. To break that "indivisible" union causes more damage than can ever be imagined. It's not one life impacted by divorce; not two; it's numerous lives.

Case in point, Shan shared with me after her divorce, years later, the effects "live on in me, in my children, in my entire family. Even though the gaping wounds have healed, there are deep, ugly scars that can't be ignored."

My sister and I would agree. Every one of us in our family has been affected by her divorce, and the ripple effect constantly shifts from person to person.

But… surely these 12 verses in MARK are only applicable to first-century Judaism. Right? What would Jesus say to us now as it relates to marriage and divorce?

In Shan's opinion, we as Christians have grown so callous to divorce that we see it as hurtful but not necessarily sinful. So why isn't divorce at the forefront for Christian thought / study and made a core issue?

When I picked up Adam Hamilton's book Confronting the Controversies -- divorce was nowhere to be found. Biblical perspectives were focused on these issues: the separation of church and state, creation and evolution in the public schools, the death penalty, euthanasia, prayer in public schools, abortion, homosexuality. Divorce has seemingly become passé, an afterthought.

Some may say, "Oh, Mark; you're letting your Southern, conservative roots show." I can hear my sister laugh at the conservative part.

Did You Know…?
(1) In America, there's one divorce every… 13 seconds. That's 6,646 divorces per day, and 46,523 divorces per week. The average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is eight years. [i]
(2) The Barna Research Group measured divorce statistics by religion. They found 29% of Baptists were divorced (the highest for a religious group). Only 21% of atheists/agnostics were divorced. Christians don't have the corner on successful marriages!
(3) In the U.S.:
          * 41% of first marriages end in divorce;
          * 60% of second marriages end in divorce;
          * 73% of third marriages end in divorce. [ii]
"While conventional wisdom says half of all marriages end in divorce, the real number is hard to pin down -- some states don't collect data on divorce, and people who marry and divorce a lot can skew the figures -- but many experts say a better estimate is closer to 40%." [iii]
(4) 43% of children in America today are raised without their fathers. 28% of children living with a divorced parent are in a household with an income below the poverty line. [iv]
(5) Think it's just an "American" situation? A 2011 Center of Social Justice study showed 48% of children in the United Kingdom were likely to see their parents split before they reached the age of 16. Ten years prior,… the rate was 40%.

Frightening stats, huh? With that in mind…

Let us be careful in taking a revolutionary teaching by Jesus based in justice and equality (to what was happening in the first century) and allowing it to become "a rule dogmatically rooted in oppression" [v] for today.

Let's not overlook a key element that Jesus was shaking up the Establishment. He was an advocate for the rights of women. To say what he did to the Pharisees was jaw-dropping -- on behalf of women. According to biblical scholar Walter Wink, Jesus violated the mores of his time in every single encounter with women recorded in the four Gospels.

This radical graciously accepted a prostitute's anointing. Women joined his followers along the journey, which you know created gossip. Jesus did miracles on behalf of women. In John 4:1-27, Jesus asked a Samaritan woman for help. The story reveals his knowledge of her having been through husbands like pocket-change. Where was Jesus' judgment since clearly she had done wrong? By the end, we know this woman led a spiritual renewal.

Jesus' involvement with women was a life-changer, a game-changer, a religion-changer, a spiritual-changer.

Back then as in today, people still use religion for their own desires, to protect their own selfish interests, instead of putting the focus on God. People find ways to use the Bible in a hurtful manner. That could even include staying in an abusive, oppressive marriage because clergy or family or friends have evoked these verses "literally" against divorce.

As Shan told me, which members of the study group stated too, "There are a few marriages that I personally thought were more tragic than divorce."

Would Jesus want us to take every attempt to save the marriage? Absolutely. Divorce however should be the last step. But it takes two people who are committed to honesty, facing the truth about what part they play in conflict, to be willing to expand, grow, change and work.

As Bev * (a widow) told the study group, "In my 35-year marriage, we had our up's; we had our down's. We had to work at it. Communication was key. And it takes two."

Shan agreed with Bev's thoughts, but said she would "add respect as being more important than love in a marriage." More important?!? That'll give you pause.

It goes in hand with what Leah * responded with: "We've become a culture that romanticizes marriage -- Love conquers all. Popular culture doesn't teach us about communication."

Sounds odd since we've become a nation focused on communication with our smartphones, laptops, tablets, social networking,…. To which Joe * replied, "Today's tools of communication actually create isolation. It hasn't advanced the concept." Patrick * reminded us about someone being dumped in a relationship via a text message.

Jesus encourages us to be in authentic relationships. Authentic with each other; authentic with God. Are you centered on "you" or are you centered on "us"? Have you searched your soul when conflict arises? Joe * reminded us of the phrase, "If you want a better wife, be a better husband." To be a better partner, one has to look within themselves to make the change.

In the 63 years of marriage for my parents, there have been stormy times; they could've easily thrown in the towel. Yet they didn't. There has been a lot of work done together over 63 years. A lot of forgiveness. A lot of grace. A lot of love. A lot of respect. But it also took two willing partners to do this.

When we enter into marriage -- ''for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health,'' we are entering into God's kingdom as well as into the unknown with each other. Unexpected surprises will surface. Guaranteed. They will disrupt the romance. Issues along the way may arise, such as abuse, oppression, adultery and other horrible instances which shake us to our core.

We trust ourselves with our lives, but where is God? Are we actually trusting God with our lives? With our flaws and all?

Marriage is a spiritual unity. We must show compassion, acceptance, and provide an endless supply of forgiveness before stepping away in a marriage.

None of us is perfect. Yet none of us is a mistake. Each of us nevertheless will make mistakes along the way. What did Jesus teach us? To forgive. To forgive them. To forgive ourselves. He wants us to be whole. Whatever stands in the way, even if we choose to divorce, we need to resolve those issues and conflicts so we can be healthy. And authentic.

Shan found these words (in the paragraph above) comforting while being something she needed the most. My close, loving friend stated, "Forgiving myself is a daily struggle, but I know I am more whole and definitely more authentic than ever before in my life."

I believe Jesus would also remind us, "Know God loves you no matter what. That I love you no matter what. That you are loved no matter what."

Let us humbly accept God as he is revealed in Jesus. Let us accept ourselves, flaws and all. Let us accept ourselves as the person God has chosen to be his. Let us work on being authentic.

NEXT
What makes you "first" -- having it all?


[i] www.mckinleyirvin.com
[ii] www.mckinleyirvin.com
[iii] "The End of Alimony," TIME, May 27, 2013 -- Belinda Luscombe
[iv] www.mckinleyirvin.com
[v] "Just Marriage: Jesus, Divorce and the Vulnerable," October 3, 2012 -- David R. Henson

* Member of the study group

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